On Creating A Human

I remember that afternoon as if it were yesterday. Taylor and I had just returned home from our Christmas vacation down in Arizona. And while I was there, a couple of my sisters had this weird sort of sixth sense and were both convinced that I was pregnant. At one point I told them that I was cramping but it was weird because I wasn't supposed to "start" for another week. At that moment, with both sisters on either side of me, each grabbed one of my arms and at the same time said, "You're pregnant!" I remember rolling my eyes, laughing, and saying, "Guys, I've not been pregnant a lot in my life, and I'm pretty sure now is still one of those times." Regardless, the next day my sister went out and bought me two tests. So, I took them, both within several days of each other just to be sure, and alas, they both came out negative. And I mean really, I was okay with it. Because we weren't really trying, but we weren't really not trying. You know?....But isn't there a small part of you that always kind of hopes that it just might be positive?

But then it was the day after we got home. Taylor was at work, I was home cleaning, and I should have "started" that day. But my body just wasn't giving me its usual signs. I wasn't feeling supra emotional and I had had no recent cramping, and so, even though I had taken one just two days before, I figured, never hurts!

And so I did. I took it, left it on the bathroom counter, and continued unpacking and cleaning our bedroom. A few minutes later, I walked in the bathroom to throw something away, realizing I had  completely forgotten about it, I glanced at it with the usual expectation that there would only be one line. I picked it up to throw it away as I usually do, and that's when I noticed that second, tiny, faint, life-changing, blue line. And well, I almost died. And I'm also not sure that there are human enough words to describe how I felt in that moment.

My brain stopped working. I couldn't stop laughing, and then hyperventilating (but the good kind of hyperventilation) followed by some crying. This combination of things went on for quite some time while I just kept talking to myself, pacing the entire upstairs about 1,000 times. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, (giggle, giggle, giggle, tears escaping my eyes and falling onto my cheeks) I'm going to be a mom!" (grabbing my face to make sure this was real) "Holy crap, I have a baby inside of me." (more crying) "We're going to be parents." (uneven breathing) "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!" (more crying, more laughing, more weird breathing)

Taylor wasn't home for another three hours and I thought I was going to die waiting for him to get off work. During that time, I had to run down to his office to pick something up and while I was there, I casually, and with just the right amount of boringness to my voice, told him that while I was cleaning the house I found a present that I forgot to give him for Christmas. And then I had to hurry and get the heck out of there before I blurted out something about positive pregnancy tests. For the last hour before he got home, I sat on the edge of the bed, stared at the wall, and re-tidied everything at least 35 times, After what seemed like a million years, I heard the car pull up outside, the front door open and his voice yell up to me, "I'm ready for my present!" I laughed and told him he had to come upstairs to get it. So up he came and sat on the bed bouncing and smiling impatiently. I grabbed the gift bag that contained the test with a piece of paper taped around it that announced, "You're going to be a daddy!" and set the present in front of him. He pulled out the tissue paper, looked down, looked up at me with a look of disbelief, pulled it out, looked back up at me,  this time with teary eyes and more looks of the disbelieving sort and said, "Shut up, shut up. This is real? Is this for real?!" I nodded my head until I thought it might fall off, and with an ugly cry/laughing face responded, "It's real, we're going to have a baby!" And then we hugged and cried and laughed for a solid 10 minutes taking in that moment that was just ours, just the two of us, creating a memory that I will never forget for as long as I shall live.

Our lives changed forever that day. It's been followed by months of sickness, laying in bed a lot, losing my personality for what I thought might just be forever, losing weight, and lots of trips for Taylor to the grocery store to pick up that one and only thing that sounded good to me, only to throw it up later. (On a related but gross note: One time, I ate a bowl of Life cereal for breakfast, and about 10 minutes later threw it all up. During that little episode, Taylor stood behind me holding my hair back, being so sweet and supportive during such a gross moment. And let me tell you, Life cereal just does not look quite the same coming back up as it does going down, so once I was finished he asked, "What was that?" I looked up at him with what I imagine was a sort of dead-like look to my face and responded, "It was Life." And then we laughed really hard.) Taylor would lay in bed with me and hold me while I cried to him that this was stupid and hard, and that I wanted to fall in true love with this baby so badly, but that he/she was making it really hard by making me barf every 5 seconds. 

But then all of a sudden, it changed. I regained a personality, hamburgers sounded good again, our house didn't smell weird anymore, Taylor didn't smell weird anymore, I started packing on the pounds like a mad woman, and then there was that one day when I felt that babe move inside of me, and well, that was a game changer. It was like instantaneous love. All that sickness and those death-like feelings were forgotten. My body was no longer mine and for the first time, I really realized it. I was living and breathing, eating and moving, not just for me, but for him. And so far, this pregnancy thing? Well, I'm pretty in love with it. I weirdly love getting bigger and bigger each day and watching how different I look from week to week. I love that there's a human inside of me that is so dependent on me for every ounce of his growth and his health. It has made me change the way I live, the way I think, even the way I eat. And you guys, I eat vegetables now! And I'm talking like lettuce, sugar snap peas, V8 juice, and grape tomatoes...just for fun! I hardly even recognize myself anymore. And I'd like to say that it was all my decision, but really, this pregnant body of mine has decided that it doesn't respond well to my steady diet of french fries, hamburgers, (hold the veggies please) and all the candy in the dollar store. And I guess go figure. So, for the first time I'm eating healthier than I have in my entire life and every time someone asks how I'm feeling, my response is always, "Better than ever!" The other day was the first time I thought to myself, "Waaaaaaaait a second, maybe there's something to this whole eatingfoodthatcomesfromtheground thing." Durr. And don't get me wrong, I still eat the crap, just with slightly more moderation. And I'm not sure why I'm rambling on about this. Probably just because I'm pretty proud of myself. Because if you know me, this is some serious progress in my life.

But anyway, babies. We're having one! Well, I'm having one, but you get it. And I could just leap for joy every time I think about it...which is roughly about 99.9% of the time.

Cutest boy I've ever seen in my whole life. All biases aside, obviously.

This was 3 weeks ago. I'll get a recent photo up pronto. The anticipation is killing you, I'm sure.

23 weeks down, 17 to go. Hot dog!


  1. One moment in crying because I'm so happy ready this to the next laughing so Kolli starts laughing because I am. Haha! Please write every single day! It's makes my day better.


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